The past few days, those exact words have been playing on a loop inside my head. I have been in a major funk. Stuck in an imaginary limbo created by my own mind and amplified by my penchant for procrastination.
I am my own worst enemy, a harsh critic. There is no one on this earth whose words could be so scathingly hurtful as my own. In a way this is something of a blessing, another's opinion and criticism of me will never hurt me as much as I hurt myself. It is also paralyzing curse that shackles me to the radiator and leaves me stuck in non-action.
The root cause - fear and low self-esteem.
Both of which are the reason I have a section of my living room floor dedicated to stacks upon stacks of self-help literature and 'how to' guides.
I berate myself for not being passionate or ambitious enough in regards to money. Money has never been what drives me. When I was younger and had dreams of becoming a dancer, my mother, in her concern for how I would support myself, warned me that dance was a precarious profession and that I would be best of focusing on a 'proper job'.
My response was, and I still stand by it: I would dance for free, money isn't the reason for wanting to follow my dreams. In the same way I write for free. I write because I love it, I dance because I love it. To make money from my dreams would be fantastic, but it is not what lies within my motivations for pursuing them. I do what I love regardless.
I'm happy in low stress ( I say this relatively) hospitality roles. Waitress work in bars and restaurants suits me just fine. I love the interaction, the busyness, the physical nature of the job. Roles that do not put so much pressure on me that they suck the life force from me and leave me lacking energy to pursue what I truly love.
There is so much emphasis upon making a career from our dreams.
And that totally kills the fun and joy. And for me personally, when too much pressure is added my creativity likes to take a hike.
Does money equal success?
Depends on our unique perceptions.
Through writing this very post, with no clear view of how it would come together, or what the clear focus of it would be, I have managed to free myself from the self-inflicted funk.
This is what I love about writing. It allows you to come to realizations you hadn't even thought of prior putting pen to paper - or fingertips to keyboard.
I am frustrated by my lack of money driven ambition. And that's okay, simply because; I am not a failure because I am not driven by monetary reasons. I still pursue what I love.
So what if I am not over enthusiastic for planning and organisation and desk jobs and the corporate realm. So what if the thought of donning a suit everyday and working for 60 hours a week doesn't fill me with excitement. So what if I am met me looks of bewilderment when I say that once my degree is finished that I would rather work in a cafe/bar and be happy whilst earning just enough for my needs, than work in an office and be stressed and unhappy whilst raking in the moulah.
If we are happy and content with our choices, in turn that makes us kinder people. Money doesn't create happiness, it creates the greater possibility for freedom, but it keeps you imprisoned in the quest whilst you earn "your freedom".
Freedom is a state of mind. Happiness is a choice.
I am not lazy simply because I do not want to spend my life rushing around and getting stressed out over, what in the end will turn out to be, very trivial shit.
It's okay to not be organised.
It's okay to not be all goal orientated.
It's okay to live moment to moment and not think too much about the future.
It's okay to be exactly who you are at whatever moment.
Comparisons to others are deadly, and a enormous waste of emotional energy.
My funk came from comparisons, because I'm not doing what "successful people" do.
My funk came from my perceived failings; but now I realise I do not want to be "that kinda person" anyway.
I am totally at peace with the person that I am.
Procrastination could be seen as the souls way of telling you that the shit you're putting off isn't completely necessary in the grand scheme of things anyway. Plus, I also tend not to procrastinate when I'm doing what I love. It's the things that I hate and that don't truly align that bring about procrastination (for me anyway).
Ta rah funk. I'm choosing to stop being so hard on myself. For now at least...